Understanding the patterns that hold us back and how to move forward with compassion

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Ever found yourself delaying a project you know is important? Ghosting someone you care about? Doubting your worth right before something good happens? That might be self-sabotage talking.

Self-sabotage is when our behaviors, thoughts, or choices, often unconsciously, interfere with what we genuinely want. It’s not about being lazy or unmotivated. In fact, it’s usually a protective response.

And the truth is: you’re not alone, and your self-sabotage makes more sense than you think.

How to Know If You’re Self-Sabotaging

Self-sabotage doesn’t always look dramatic. It’s often subtle, quiet, and easily mistaken for a lack of discipline or motivation.

Common signs of self-sabotage include:

Chronic procrastination, even on things you care about
Negative self-talk or perfectionism
Starting strong and then pulling away from goals or relationships
Avoiding decisions out of fear of “messing up”
Feeling stuck in cycles of overcommitting and burning out

You might even notice that you’re comparing your current self to a more “productive” or “together” version of you in the past and that comparison can fuel the cycle.

The Many Faces of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage doesn’t show up the same way for everyone.

It can take the form of:

Avoidance: Skipping the hard conversation, dodging the gym, delaying that doctor's appointment
Perfectionism : Holding yourself to impossibly high standards so you never have to risk “failing”
Over-committing: Filling your schedule to avoid being alone with your thoughts
People-pleasing: Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” to avoid discomfort or rejection
Self-criticism: Telling yourself you're not good enough before anyone else can

These behaviors often come from old stories, beliefs we formed to survive, but that no longer serve us in the present.

Why We Self-Sabotage: It’s About Protection

It might seem counterintuitive, but self-sabotage is often rooted in self-protection. Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that it’s safer to stay small, stay hidden, or stay the same.

Maybe you learned:

Failure = rejection
Success = pressure
Vulnerability = danger
Rest = laziness

So instead of stepping forward, we stay stuck. Not because we’re weak, but because we’re wired for safety. And our brains often confuse familiar with safe, even if it’s not working for us.

Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion

Many of us think we need to “toughen up” or push harder to beat self-sabotage. But here’s the truth: shame is not a sustainable motivator.

Self-compassion and approaching ourselves with kindness and curiosity creates the emotional safety needed for real change. It's what allows us to say:

“I see what you're doing, and I know you’re trying to protect me. But I don’t need that protection anymore. I’m safe now.”

Moving From Protection to Progress

If you recognize self-sabotaging tendencies in yourself, you're already doing the first brave thing: paying attention and developing insight.

Here are a few ways to begin interrupting the cycle:

Name it gently: Try saying, “This might be self-sabotage. What am I afraid might happen if I move forward?”
Get curious, not critical: Ask yourself, “What part of me is feeling scared or overwhelmed?”
Start small: Progress doesn’t have to be big to be meaningful. Small steps still make a difference.
Build emotional tolerance: Growth often means getting uncomfortable in healthy ways. And remember that discomfort is temporary.
Reach out: You don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help uncover the why behind your patterns and offer tools for lasting change.

You Deserve to Move Forward

Letting go of self-sabotaging patterns takes time, self-compassion, and practice. But it’s absolutely possible. And every step toward understanding yourself better is an act of healing.

At The Therapy Group, we support clients as they learn to meet themselves with patience instead of punishment and take meaningful steps toward lives that feel like theirs again. If you're ready to dig into these patterns and feel more supported, schedule your free 15-minute consultation with The Therapy Group today.

For more on this topic, check out the ShrinkChicks Podcast episode: Self-Sabotage & Why We Do It hosted by our co-owners.

Why Do I Self-Sabotage and How Can I Change It?